Past Tense
by Swanandapirate
Summary: Emma thinks of the things that have happened in her dark days, when she remembers how Killian answered a question she asked. He doesn't love her anymore.


**A/N: I'm declaring this week my personal CS fanfiction week. Yay. So this is day four, which means you can still expect three more fics this week. The quality of all of my entries are, as always, debatable. Feel free to review.**

When a person completely transforms in a short span of time, they are often confronted with confusion, doubt or any other synonym of those words.

That's how Emma feels anyway.

She starts by spending some time alone to understand who she used to be and who she is now. She explicitly forbade anyone to disturb her and they respected her wishes. They all know how delicate the situation is.

She replays everything that happened the last months as the Dark One and it's a lifetime of events.

What kind of terrible things mustn't Gold have done in his centuries of being Dark Rumpelstiltskin?

Emma goes over her first moments with the darkness and realizes that the voices, buzzing in her head, were there from the beginning. Whispering nonsense or giving her ideas to torment everyone just that little bit more. She sees that even back then, even when she still had fresh memories of being Emma Swan, she was already doomed.

She remembers meeting the fierce redhead Merida and scaring her with her, at the time not so, internal monologues. Emma's impressed that Merida didn't make a run for it the second the nothingness started talking back to her, but if she did, the Emma's-hand-inside-Merida's-chest-cavity-situation probably would've come sooner. It was the first time she literally held a life in her hands and to be honest, she still likes the feeling.

With every beat of her heart, the power in Emma started to grow and it just kept on growing. A simple movement with her hand could end a person. The control of life and death is the biggest strength someone can have and holding a live heart in her hand was Emma's way of claiming that strength.

Emma feels the high she had at that precise moment and then suddenly she was back.

Two feet on the soil. One word, or more specifically one voice, had grounded her. Brought her back to reality, the reality of nearly killing someone with her bare hand. Killian always has a way to ground her, with the best meaning of the word. He is her anchor.

Yes, a cliché and the fact that he is a pirate turns it into an even more sappy metaphor, but she sees it as the truth.

In her entire recovery he has been the glue to fix it all. For once it isn't her task to keep everyone together and to lead the town. He took it over and does such an amazing job. Her respect for him only grows. He was able to take her mind off things in Camelot, but always while never stopping the quest to answers.

There has happened so much, but he's the one thing that stands out the most. His persistence and eye for detail. He sees when she changes.

He said once, quite a while ago, that he could read her like an open book and Emma hated that at first, but now she considers it as a gift from her fairy godmother.

If Rumpelstiltskin didn't kill hers.

The memories of their impromptu dinner come up and Emma can't feel anything but shame. She played such foul games with him.

Pretending to revel in old memories, bringing up his history with the "crocodile" and trying to make him feel at ease to get what she needed.

Killian resisted, but in his resistance he actually gave her the solution to her problem. Leave it to the Dark One to manipulate people into doing stuff without knowing they're helping. And then the question came.

To this point Emma still doesn't know who asked him. Was it the Dark One it was is her old self resurfacing? The answer was definitely loud and clear.

"I loved you." he said.

Loved.

Past tense.

What is she supposed to do with this information?

The topic hasn't come up since Emma's rescue mission and she is too afraid to hear the response if she were to ask the question.

If he doesn't love her, they obviously can't go on.

Her time is up. She feels like herself again, feels like she's ready to go out again, so that's what she's doing today. Dinner at Granny's and then Netflix and hot cocoa at home. Because Emma Swan is back.

She had almost forgotten how good she looks in red when she puts her jacket back on. Emma takes the Bug's keys and drives to Main Street. Her mom said that they'll be meeting her there. They. That doesn't really specify anything, but she'll see. She tries to find a parking spot, but it seems harder than normal. Is Storybrooke's entire population craving Granny's lasagna?

Finally she parks in front of Any Given Sundae and gets out of the car.

One of the things she loves about the diner, is the way it lights up in the evening. She has discovered herself that it makes quite the romantic place. She enters and is welcomed by one big "Surprise!"

Huh, apparently she is right about everyone being in here, but her reason was wrong. They are here for her. They even have a banner that says:

"Congrats on not being evil anymore."

She doesn't know who makes those, but seriously he/she should up their game.

"Thank you guys." Emma says while smiling.

"Just to be sure. You're not turning people into garden decorations anymore, right?" Granny asks. "Because my lawn could use some ornaments."

"No, sorry. I'm quite done with pottery." Emma replies.

"No problem, dear. I'm glad you're back."

After receiving several congratulations, Emma sees her parents talking to Henry in the corner and decides to join them.

"I guess I have you guys to thank for this?".

"Hi, Emma." her dad says. Henry turns around and hugs her.

"Mom!"

"Hey, kid." Emma ruffles his hair.

"I've missed you."

"The feeling's mutual."

"And yes. We did do this. Together with Hook. We wanted your return to be unforgettable."  
Henry says with his cute boyish grin.

"I think we've accomplished that, lad." Killian is suddenly standing next to her.

"Hello, love. I'm glad to see you lost the black." he remarks with a smirk on his face.

"I thought you liked the black? Isn't that a pirate thing?" Emma returns the banter to hide her confusion.

"How stunning you may look in black, Swan, it's my color."

Henry has worked his way to the giant buffet during their conversation and her parents have also mysteriously vanished, leaving them completely alone by Granny's jukebox.

Why is he pretending like nothing happened?

"You think they would miss us?"

"It is my party." Emma tries to argue.

She sees how everyone is doing their own thing. Regina and Robin are playing with Roland, Henry is currently stuffing his face with food, her parents are talking to Ruby and Whale, Belle is consumed by a book and the dwarves are their jolly self.

"No, I don't thinks so." she finally completes her answer.

"Let's go then. We will use the back door, so that people don't ask questions." Killian starts walking and Emma follows.

She would actually love some questions or better: answers, but she's also kind of freaking out, because being alone means talking and talking could mean a very painful conversation for her.

"You're being silent, love. Is everything alright?" he asks when they have been walking for about 10 minutes.

Their final destination is the docks. She knows the way by heart now. It had become their place to talk. If that's where he's telling her, than it would hurt that tiny bit more.

"Yeah, I'm fine."

"I hope you don't actually mind that we've retired from that celebration back there. I just felt like we could use some peace and quiet."

They are walking closely together, but not as close as they used to and the cold air seems to create a barrier between them. They finally reach their bench and go sit down.

"Okay, go for it. Do what you must do." Emma says.

Killian is clearly thrown off balance because of her sudden request.

"I'm afraid I'm not following, love."

"You said it yourself, so go ahead. Break up with me."

"Wait, what? Love, I don't -"

"Come on! Don't play coy. You said to me on the Jolly Roger that you loved me, remember? As in not anymore. And why would you waste time with someone you don't care about."

Her voice rises and the warmth of her breath disappears into the air.

"Emma, you still don't know, do you? I don't love the Dark One and I'll never will. But then there is this woman with a smile that could make a lighthouse burn. The lass with soft, golden hair that drives her yellow chariot and who wears red jackets. The one that lives off coffee, grilled cheese and onion rings, that loves her boy and family with so much power. Someone so caring. She has green eyes that make me feel as if I'm staring into a wild sea that I can't wait to drown in. That's the person that I love. That's you. So I'll tell you once and for all. I, Killian Jones, love you, Emma Swan." Not long after he adds:

"Forget the once and for all, because I plan on telling you until you can't hear it anymore."

He places his warm hand on her cold face and kisses her. She responds.

"I don't think I'll get ever sick of hearing that."


End file.
